Yesterday, Valentine’s Day, I woke up thinking about the concept of “the love of one’s life.” The idea that each of us has one true love that is truer than all the others.
After a very small amount of thought, I rejected the idea.
Yes, I can say without hesitation that my husband is the love of my life. I have loved other men. I have lived with other men. But he is the romantic love of my life.
The key word here is romantic. Many of us can name the romantic love of our lives. But does the concept have to end with romance?
I think not.
The other day, a friend told me about a podcast she had listened to, where someone had stated that the love of your life doesn’t have to be a romantic partner. It can be a friend or even a pet.
I like this notion. But does there have to be only one?
Again, I think not.
So, I want to write today about the non-romantic loves of my life. (I will stick here with sentient beings and leave out such things as writing and gardening.)
My daughters and grandchildren may be the greatest loves of my life. For nearly 40 years, whenever I have heard the Beatles' song “In My Life,” I have thought of my daughters, and for nearly two-and-a half years now, the song has also brought to mind my grandchildren, who have joined this cohort of beloveds.
But this blog post is not for them or for my husband or my wider family, all of whom, I hope, know of my love for them. It is, instead, a love letter to my friends.
Yesterday, I recieved a double bunch of tulips in the mail (I don’t know how this is done---magic?) from two dear friends back east. They were thinking of me as I approach a minor surgery next week. Although the day of the flowers’ arrival was likely a coincidence, I chose to think of them as a Valentine.
Yesterday, I also received a Valentine card from a friend of nearly 40 years, and messages of affection from others.
How could they and my other close friends not be included among the loves of my life?
These are the people who have seen me through—beginning with the one I met in the third grade and continuing straight through to the one I met last year. These are the people who have comforted me and allowed me to comfort them. These are the people to whom I have told secrets, who have listened to my news, helped me to solve problems, held me when I was devastated, laughed and cried with me.
And here is the really amazing part—they have trusted me with their secrets, their joys and sorrows, their deepest selves. And, get this, they have loved me at my most unlovable. I said in the last paragraph that they had seen me through. But they have also seen through me. And they have not turned away.
As I think about the loves of my life, I am picturing myself at the center of a braid, with strands of different colors for family, lovers, and friends. Some strands have the thickness of years; some are newer and thinner, but are no less a part of the whole that carries me through my life. There are frayed patches where friends or romantic partners have dropped away or loved ones have died. There are also a few gaps where there has been a loss, followed by a reconnection. But neither the gaps nor the frayed bits have affected the strength of a braid that has been so many years in the making. (And I like to think that those who have passed hover yet around its twists and turns.)
The older I get, the more I understand that I would be nowhere without those lives braided around mine. And even as I treasure time alone, I know such time would be intolerable without the embrace of the loves of my life.
May we all cherish the people who have chosen to entwine their lives with ours, for who would we be without them?
