My mother spent the last 12
years of her life in an assisted-living center not far from my house. During this time, I spent many, many hours in this building. Here are the top ten
things that I learned from observing, and interacting with, my mom and other
residents.
10. Everybody
has a story.
Even those, or especially those, whose lives look
diminished and sad have stories to tell.
Ask for these stories. You will
learn that the storyteller’s life was not always so small and that she likely
lived a very full and interesting life.
My mom’s assisted-living facility published a weekly flyer that frequently
included the biography of a resident. It
was humbling to be reminded that these people had lived long and fulfilling
lives before their need for care.
9. If you
want to know how to approach an elderly person, watch how kids and pets do it.
If you want to give an elderly person a treat, bring a
dog or a kid to visit him. Then watch
what happens. A dog will not feel
awkward around an elderly person’s disabilities, and generally speaking,
neither will a small child. My mom spent
the last 10 days of her life in an adult foster home because she was too ill to
stay in assisted living. It was
wonderful to see the delight on her face when the owner’s children would prance
into the room and dance for her.
8. Start
getting rid of your stuff.
If you are over, say, 55 or 60, start looking at your possessions
with a cold eye. If you live to be very
old, the time will come when you can no longer take care of or use all of that
stuff. And, if you have had to go
through a parent’s stuff after they pass, you will know what a burden you are
creating for those you will leave behind.
As Roz Chast says in Can’t We
Talk About Something More Pleasant?, her wonderful memoir of her parents’
last years, once you have gone through and sorted your parents’ stuff, you
start to look at your stuff “a little more postmortemistically.” So, organize your photos. Take on a room every year and get rid of what
you no longer use or enjoy. And then
start over again. Not only will you be
doing your kids, or whoever is left to pick up the pieces, a favor, but not
having to take care of so much stuff will free you up to do what you really
want to do with the years left to you.
(Unless, of course, taking care of your stuff is how you want to spend the years left to you.)
7. Keep
moving.
No, not your residence, your
body. Here is the bottom line,
people. If we don’t keep moving as we
get older, we will stop being able to move.
And then everything will go downhill really fast. So walk.
Or swim. Take a yoga class. Stay limber. Get out of your chairs. Move your body. Every day.
6. Keep
your balance.
Of course we want to be balanced in mind and spirit,
but I am speaking here of physical balance.
Old people fall. A lot. So, don’t wait until you are really old to
work on your balance. Stand on one foot
at a time for a while every day. If you
want a little more challenge, do the yoga tree pose every day. Take a tai
chi or qi gong class. Of course, if we
live to be very old, we will probably fall, but I like to think that working on
our balance before then will forestall that day.
5. Make
younger friends.
By the last few years of her life, all of my mother’s
friends had pre-deceased her. This is a
very lonely business. So, don’t put all
of your relationship eggs in one generational basket. Cultivate younger friends. If you are lucky, maybe they will visit you
in your dotage.
4. Learn
to enjoy your own company.
Here is the sad truth.
Most of the people who lived at my mother’s assisted living center rarely had visitors. Even if you have
family nearby and even if they visit you when they can, if you live to be very
old and your friends pre-decease you, you will probably end up spending a lot
of time alone. So, if you don’t enjoy
your own company, make it a priority to cultivate alone time, and figure out
what to do with it.
3. If
you are an unhappy, self-absorbed adult, you will be an unhappy, self-absorbed elderly person.
Any one who has cared for an elderly or very sick
relative knows that we continue to be ourselves, only more so, as we grow older
or sicker. So, if you have unattractive
qualities, you might want to work on those now. In this way, you might be more likely to
keep those family members and friends coming around.
2. Show
up.
If you have a friend or family member who is ill or
frail, show up for them. Be generous
with your time to the extent that you have any to give. Your loved one likely can’t remember what it
felt like to have a job and a family and multiple calls on her time. She just knows that she feels very
alone. Although we can’t picture it now,
the time is likely to come when we are the ones who long for a visitor.
1.
Practice kindness and patience and the gentle art of
listening.
These are the most important gifts that we can give to
someone whose health is failing. (OK,
they are the most important gifts that we can give to anyone.) And they are sometimes not easy gifts to give
when our loved one is moving and talking slowly or repeating the same stories
over and over again. I wish I could say
that I was always patient with my mother.
I was not. Here are two things
that I did find to be helpful: (1)
Ask about something that you are interested in, (see lesson No. 1
above), then be silent and listen. I
would sometimes ask my mother to tell me about her girlhood or her experiences
during WWII. Not only did this cut off
her oft-repeated stories about old TV shows, but now that she is gone, I am so
glad that I asked these questions. In fact, I wish that I had asked more; (2)
When you run out of patience and the ability to be kind, take a few days
off to look away and do whatever you need to do to restore your ability to be
present with patience and kindness. This
may help you to ward off burn-out and keep you from becoming one of those
persons who never shows up.
Of course, all of these
lessons are aspirational. May we all do
our best to take them to heart.
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash
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