Some disappointments are more consequential. Here is the one I want to talk about today: I have recycled for decades. Long before there was curb-side pickup, I would take my plastic, glass, cans, and newspapers to a recycling center. I thought I was doing a good thing. I still think it is a good thing where glass and paper and cans are considered, but a number of years back, I learned that much of the plastic that we dutifully recycle ends up in landfills.
A Woman of a Certain Age
The musings of a woman of a certain age.
Sunday, November 16, 2025
OF HULA HOOPS AND OTHER DISAPPOINTMENTS
Some disappointments are more consequential. Here is the one I want to talk about today: I have recycled for decades. Long before there was curb-side pickup, I would take my plastic, glass, cans, and newspapers to a recycling center. I thought I was doing a good thing. I still think it is a good thing where glass and paper and cans are considered, but a number of years back, I learned that much of the plastic that we dutifully recycle ends up in landfills.
I live, write, and garden in the Pacific NW region of the United States. I am inspired every day by my beloved family and friends.
Friday, October 24, 2025
HAPPY MIDDLES
I have four young grandchildren. One of them loves books about Disney princesses. When I read these books to her, I always balk at the final line - They lived happily ever after. I usually change it slightly to read, They were very happy.
Does anyone live happily ever after?
When my husband died, a friend sent me an email, in which he said, among other things, "If I could write as you do, I would write about all the 'happy ever after' stuff that was put in our minds as we grew up and how now we are seeing how badly we were misled . . ."
And, so, as it appears my friend will not take on the topic, I sit down to write this post.
Here's the thing. I'm delighted to play along with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Children should have their fantasies. I love to read happy stories to the kids--thus, my they-were-very-happy compromise. They don't need to know about the hard stuff before they learn to read. But, I don't think that happily ever after is a thing, and this myth caused a lot of us to grow up with unrealistic expectations of unending and uninterrupted happiness.
As I see it, what we get instead are happy middles.
Here's my thinking. Relationships begin and, after some period of time, they end, either because the people involved part ways or because one of them dies. In between, if we are lucky, there is happiness.
Our lives are filled with happy middles - I think about my child-rearing years. The girls were born, and there was a long stretch while their father and I raised them, and then they grew up and away. It was a happy middle. Same with places we live. We move in, and eventually we move out, enjoying the middle period that is our life in each home. And so it goes with each chapter of our lives. We are fully in the chapter, and then it is behind us.
I don't mean for this to be depressing. It doesn't have to be. What if we grew up understanding that there is no avoiding change? What if, as is taught in Buddhism, we understood that impermanence is an integral part of life, that clinging to what is or was leads only to suffering?
I'm not suggesting this is easy. I hate that my husband died. I will never "get over" losing him. I miss the little girls my daughters once were. I miss people who are no longer in my life. But I am doing my best to look back with pleasure on past happy middles and to make the most of what I am in the middle of now -- days with grandchildren and other family, days with friends, decent health, a warm and comfortable house, and much more.
Of course, even happy middles have their rough patches, and some middles are not happy at all. When life is at its most difficult we can take comfort in the fact that unhappy middles also end.
So, let's try to pay attention to our happy middles while we are living them. And when someone we know is enduring an unhappy middle, let's be there for them.
Can we do this?
I would like to think so.
Photo by Khadeeja Yasser on Unsplash
I live, write, and garden in the Pacific NW region of the United States. I am inspired every day by my beloved family and friends.
Tuesday, September 16, 2025
GLIMMERS
While walking up the path through my front garden a few days ago, I was arrested by the sight of a butterfly hovering over an aster. I took this picture, and then just stood and gazed at the tableau until the butterfly moved on.
This got me thinking about glimmers. If you have never heard of glimmers, allow me to explain. I can't remember who introduced me to the concept, but, as I understand it, a glimmer is more or less the opposite of a trigger. A quick Google search tells me that glimmers and triggers have to do with polyvagal theory and the reactions of our autonomic nervous systems to cues in the environment.
But I'm not interested in getting all scientific here. I'm just going to tell you what a glimmer is for me. It is something that slows me down and brings me pleasure.
Here are a few more recent glimmers of mine. No words are required.
Let's stay with them.
What if we had "glimmer alerts" as well as "trigger warnings"? What if a college professor walked into a classroom and said, Before we get started, please walk to the window and take in that amazing tree? What if a podcast host began a podcast with these words: The following program might bring you tears of joy. Please invite your children to listen with you?
This morning, as I left the building where I swim, I was greeted by beautiful autumn weather -- 75 degrees and sunny, with a slight breeze rustling the leaves of surrounding maple trees. As far as I am concerned, any such day during my favorite season is an all-day glimmer.
And you? What are your glimmers?
I live, write, and garden in the Pacific NW region of the United States. I am inspired every day by my beloved family and friends.
Sunday, August 24, 2025
SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT THE CATCHER IN THE RYE
Like many of you, I read The Catcher in The Rye in High School. I think I liked it. I don't really remember.
As my recollection is hazy, I will share this description I found on the internet:
Holden [the teenage protagonist] explains to [his sister] Phoebe that all he wants to be is the catcher in the rye. He pictures himself wearing a giant mitt, ready to catch kids as they fall off a cliff while playing in the rye. The kids represent childhood. The field represents innocence. The fall from the cliff represents the fall from innocence.
I expect we talked about this theme of lost innocence in my English class, but I, at 15 or 16, was barely out of childhood myself. How could I have known what Holden was getting at? Fast forward twenty years to when I had children of my own, and I would have gladly accepted the assistance of Holden’s mitt.
I remember looking at my daughters when they were very young and wishing I could protect them from whatever heartaches lay ahead.** And now, with the world feeling ever more perilous, I wonder what challenges - personal or societal – my grandchildren will face.
Lately, though, my desire to protect others from harm extends beyond children. I don’t just want to preserve the innocence of the young; I want to keep children and adults alike safe from harms and heartbreak of all sorts. Every day, I encounter or hear about people who are hurting. Today, a friend let me know that the husband of a dear friend of hers had died. My heart ached for my friend’s friend, although I had never met her.
Every day, I read news about people who are living in war zones, hungry and afraid. I hate my helplessness in the face of this anguish. When I learn of people who have lost their jobs, who are homeless, who are lonely, I want to protect them. I want Holden’s giant mitt to hold back the bombs, to carry food and blankets.
Of course, I can barely save myself, let alone anyone else. None of us has much control over very much, really. At least that’s what we discover when life pulls the rug out from under us. That's what I discovered when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.
So, here's what I am (perhaps naively) asking myself today. Isn’t it enough that nature throws illness, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes etc. our way? Why must we manufacture more destruction? Why do we rain bombs on civilians? Why do we allow children to go hungry? Why do we look away from anguish? Why don't we pool and direct our talents and resources toward helping one another? We know how to do this. When a natural disaster occurs, people show up to rescue and comfort each other. When my husband fell sick, then died, friends and family showed up to help us, then me. Why can’t we approach one another with kindness all the time? Why must humans be so infernally, so maddeningly cruel and self-destructive?
I know what you’re thinking. It’s human nature to make war. To hoard wealth. To look the other way.
Maybe.
But, "human nature" notwithstanding, I think it's worth it to open our hearts, put on our mitts, and see what can be done.
And as I don't know where to begin, let's start with kindness and generosity close to home. Perhaps the next step will then become clear.
May it be so.
marek-studzinski-eaHMb9UJT0I-unsplash.jpg
** I wrote about this desire to keep my daughters safe here: https://woacanotes.blogspot.com/2015/03/luck-be-lady_21.html
I live, write, and garden in the Pacific NW region of the United States. I am inspired every day by my beloved family and friends.
Thursday, August 7, 2025
BUY THE BANANAS
I wrote a little poem.
Before I share it with you, let me give you the back story. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a grief support group. (No, this is not going to be a description of my grief. Stay with me for a minute.) There was an older man in the group who had clearly given up. He told us that his wife had died three years ago, and, although he did not suggest that he was ill, he stated that he didn’t think he would live much longer. He declared, in a morose attempt at humor, that he was not sure whether he should buy green bananas because he might not live to eat them.
“Oh,” I said. “Buy the bananas.” Then, I went home and wrote these lines.
Buy the bananas
Watch them ripen
Make banana bread
Take it outside
Savor its warm sweetness
Under the shade of a tree
Think of your sorrows
Think of the gift of taste
If you find
You are still here
When the bread is gone
Buy more bananas
Watch them ripen
Make banana pudding
Share it with a neighbor
Tell her your sorrows
Listen to hers
Sit in silence
Wait for Spring
Plant some seeds
Water them with your tears
Watch them grow
Show a little faith
Plant a tree
Go to the beach
Build a sandcastle
The sea will take it
Build it anyway
Build a life
Death will take you
Build it anyway
May we all have faith enough to buy the green bananas. May our sorrows not keep us from living as fully as we can for as long as we can.
I live, write, and garden in the Pacific NW region of the United States. I am inspired every day by my beloved family and friends.
Sunday, July 6, 2025
THE BED'S TOO BIG/THE FRYING PAN'S TOO WIDE
But when he’s gone
Me and them lonesome blues collide
The bed’s too big
The frying pan’s too wide.
- Joni Mitchell
In the post I wrote a week after my husband's passing, I confessed that I wasn’t ready to say much about being a widow. It still feels raw and new, but now that a month has passed, I feel ready to share a bit about my experience of widowhood so far. Once again, I write to sort and process my thoughts. I appreciate your patience with my ramblings – I intend to turn to other subjects soon.
Often, when I awake, I step outside, where I spend some time in the peace of my garden. One morning, after I had done some watering and weeding, I looked down at my grubby clothes and thought, These are my morning clothes. I quickly noted the pun. They were, in fact, my mourning clothes.
I continue to suffer from “widow’s brain.” One day, I stood staring into a cupboard for a long time, before pulling out a mug and making myself a cup of tea. After carrying it to kitchen table, I discovered the cup that I had already made. Another day, I broke a glass while putting it in the dishwasher, a simple task that had never confounded me before. A few days ago, I bought a bag of cat food and left it in the cart when I loaded my other groceries into the car. And then there was the day when I found myself stymied by the thought of preparing food for myself. I had to call a couple of friends to ask what I should keep on hand in order to make simple meals.
I am having dreams about getting lost on complex staircases or losing my way in the city – my psyche must be attempting to figure out the path ahead.
I am discovering that grief is physical. The night after Bill died, I slept like a rock and woke up exhausted and feeling as if I had been beaten about the head and neck with a two-by-four. Of course, there was exhaustion after the intensity and physical and emotional toll of his final few weeks, but the fatigue has lingered. The nights of good sleep ended after about a week, and now I sleep poorly more-often-than-not. It doesn’t matter how I sleep, though. Even after a good night, I wake up tired.
There was relief at first. Relief that he had left his weary body behind. Relief that his sons and I would no longer be getting up in the night to administer medications. Relief that the limbo of the dying process was over. In truth, the life I had been living with Bill had become more memory than reality over the months before his death, as he slept more and more hours each day and had less and less energy for interaction.
So, for a while, I thought I was doing pretty well. I had some crying jags, but not too many. I started in on the mounds of paperwork attendant to a death. I spent time with friends and family. I told myself I was OK.
And then, maybe three weeks in, my days became a lot more challenging. Here’s the thing -- I like spending time alone. When Bill would occasionally go away for a few days, I would relish having the house to myself. But, after two or three days, I would be ready for him to come home. Now, as time passes, it is becoming more and more real to me that he will not be coming home. He hasn’t gone to the store. He hasn’t taken a short trip. I am repeatedly startled to realize that this is my life now, that I will be moving forward without him. Again, it's not that I mind being alone; it’s that I miss him in all of his particularity. I miss the man he was and the life we shared before his illness took over.
My tears are flowing more freely now, as I look around and find:
He’s not here to hold me.
He's not here to talk with me.
He's not here to comfort me when I'm upset.
He’s not here to read my writing drafts. (I very nearly got up from my desk to ask him to read over his obituary.)
He’s not here to tell me I am pretty, that I look nice. (Yes, after twenty years of marriage, he said such things to me almost daily.)
He’s not here to read to the grandkids.
He’s not here to work in the garden with me.
He’s not here to eat dinner with me.
He’s not here to hold my hand while we watch TV.
He’s not here to take out the garbage.
He’s not here to answer my phone calls and texts when I’m out.
He’s not here to drive me crazy.
Are you surprised by that last one? Look, he was a gentle, steady, generous guy, but just because he has died, doesn’t mean I have to pretend he was perfect. He was not. And neither am I. So, like most marriages, ours wasn’t perfect. My speedy Jersey ways would bump up against his midwestern deliberation. I am impatient. (He was patient with my impatience, bless him.) He was a pack rat. Getting rid of things makes me feel lighter; it made him feel anxious. Still, through it all, whatever our challenges, we loved each other deeply and shared a long-lasting attraction, as well as values and an ever-widening family. We chose each other and were never tempted to quit one other.
Last Christmas, instead of exchanging gifts, we each wrote a letter to the other. I keep re-reading his. He closed it with these words: “You are the pole against which I lean and I love you dearly.” And, of course, he was the pole against which I leaned. To mix metaphors a bit, I feel untethered, like I might just float away. Or to employ yet another metaphor, I have lost my tap root. Of course, I am fortunate that I have family and friends to tether and root me, to keep me from floating away. Still, I miss my main tether, my tap root, and expect I always will.
Photo by Allison Saeng for Unsplash
(I cannot close this post without expressing my gratitude for the kindness I have experienced. The friends who have spent time with me. The friends and family who have called and sent notes and cards. The friend who helped me to clear out an entire room. The one who carted off medical supplies when I could not think through where to donate them and the one who took away a pile of rags that I didn't want to toss in the garbage -- she even found somewhere to donate those. My daughters and a son-in-law, who moved furniture for me. Bill's sons and a son-in-law who have kept the lawn mowed. The dear fellow whom I occasionally hire to help with the garden, who refused to let me pay him for the work he did soon after Bill died. The manager of Bill's dentist's office, who, when I called to report Bill's death, told me she had seen his obituary and had written off the balance on his account. I am sure there is more that I am forgetting. Recounting all of this moves me to tears.)
I live, write, and garden in the Pacific NW region of the United States. I am inspired every day by my beloved family and friends.
Sunday, June 15, 2025
MY FATHER'S SHOEHORN
Father's Day has arrived close upon the heels of my husband's death, and I am thinking about what a loving father he was to his three sons. And although I am no longer married to my daughters' father, I am also thinking about what a loving father he was and is. My thoughts about my own father are more complicated. I know that he loved me, but love wasn't a word spoken in our house, and he was mostly ill-equipped to demonstrate his love. What follows is something I wrote about him a couple of years ago. (I wrote it in winter; thus, the reference to snow.)
About a month ago we had some snow and I decided to put on a new pair of hiking boots that I had not yet broken in. I sat grumbling on the stairs as I struggled to work my feet past their unyielding backs.
Then I remembered my father’s shoehorn, which sits on a shelf in my office. Within moments of retrieving this tool, I was easily and fully shod.
And then I started to think about my father.
My father, who died almost 30 years ago, remains an enigma to me. His shoehorn is the only memento of his life in my possession. When he was alive, it sat on a tray that also had a place for a wallet and keys—one of those caddies that men use when they empty their pockets. He wouldn’t have carried the shoehorn in his pocket, but he must have wanted it near-to-hand when he got dressed in the morning. I don’t know. I never saw him get dressed. I never saw him less than fully clothed, except at the beach. Although born after the Victorian Age, my folks were Victorian in many ways. (No swearing and they certainly never told me anything about you-know-what.)
But, I digress. The shoehorn is made of real horn. I can’t recommend killing an animal for its horns, but I believe some animals shed their horns and this is a lovely relic of a pre-plastic age.
It pleases me to think he might have brought this shoehorn with him from Scotland. I like to believe it was made from the fallen antlers of a highland deer. (I suppose it is just as likely that he bought it somewhere after he settled our family in New Jersey. But I like my story and I’m sticking with it.)
My father had to shoehorn himself into the life he was given as do we all, although some do it with more grace than others. Born in Glasgow before the First World War, he grew up with two sisters and his parents in modest circumstances. From what I learned from one of his sisters, he loved motorcycles and climbed mountains (or what passed for mountains in Scotland). He was, according to this sister, a wonderful big brother.
I don't know what became of the adventure-loving young man. I only know that by the time I came along, the mountain climbing and motorcycles were in the distant past, and the wonderful big brother had morphed into an inflexible and angry father, mostly interested in work and tinkering with cars.
There were occasional flashes of tenderness--I remember that it was he who would get up in the night when I was sick. And once in a great while, he would become silly and dance around a room. But, for the most part, I lived in dread of his anger.
It wasn't until I had my first child at age 35 that I felt I had done something he truly approved of. He loved his grandchildren and seemed able to display a kindness and patience with them that he had been unable to muster with my brothers and me. So that was progress.
Here is something I wrote after looking into his home office soon after he died:
The first thing I notice is what isn't there. No well-thumbed books with the best passages underlined. No personal letters. No scraps of paper with notes scribbled on them. No favorite photograph on a desk or wall. No indications of any pleasure traced through decades of a life.
I take that back. There are signs of his love of all things mechanical. There are books about the Queen Mary and other Clydeside ships for which he helped design the machinery, books about cars--three about Jaguars, and the real thing sitting in the garage, sleek and self-satisfied, like a profligate child, heedless of its own money-sucking ways.
Then there is the computer that he set up in his 80th year, when he was already losing strength. The computer with every bell and whistle. I watched him just weeks ago lower his fragile self into a chair and, trembling with a love and attention never shown to any human, take this late-century miracle through its paces.
And the fax machine. What did an old, cancer-ridden man need with a fax machine? Did he use it to message God and tell him he damned well wasn't coming? Is that where he was going on the day 48 hours before his death when he wouldn't stay in bed, though he fell repeatedly and shook his fist at anyone who tried to help him up? Was he making one last attempt at connection of the only kind he could conceive?
Did my father know how lonely he was? Has he been released from a lifetime of anger? Or is he up in heaven barking at the angels, demanding a cell phone and a cup of tea?
Twenty nine years later, I still wonder -- Is there a shoehorn that could have allowed him to fit into the world with more grace and less anger. What would it have taken for him to enjoy his family? As a child, I blamed myself. I eventually came to understand, of course, that I was the victim, not the author, of his rage.
What would my childhood have been like if he had used his prodigious intelligence to teach rather than to browbeat? I will never know.
Lately, I have taken to holding the shoehorn in my hands while I contemplate what my father might have been like in his youth, try to imagine what thwarted dreams and disappointments led to his anger. And I also ponder the fact that he inadvertently gave me backbone. It took courage to stand up to him. Who would I be now if I had had an easier father? I will never know that either.
For many years, I felt resentment toward my father. Now, I feel only compassion for his unhappiness and sorrow for what might have been. And I hope that -- if there is peace to be found after this life -- he has found it.
Whatever else he was or wasn't, he was my father. I did love him. And, one way or another, he helped make me who I am.
I live, write, and garden in the Pacific NW region of the United States. I am inspired every day by my beloved family and friends.