THE SECOND TIME AROUND: Further Thoughts on Being a Grandmother

(for my granddaughters Daisy Belle, Charlotte May, and Frances Rose)

     There are those who'll bet love comes but once and yet

     I'm very glad we met the second time around.

                                            -  Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen (popularized by Frank Sinatra)

A few months ago, I wrote about the joy of meeting my first granddaughter.  And now, I have two more -- twins born to my daughter Anne.  The joy remains, but that's not what I want to talk about today. Instead, I want to talk about the unanticipated difference between parenting and grand-parenting.  

As I have written before, raising my two daughters was one of the best experiences of my life.  It was also one of the hardest.  Of course, the early years get buried under the accretion of the years that follow; memories fade as we watch our children grow into adults.  It is only now, as I watch my daughters tend to their daughters, that I remember just how hard it was. 

Now, I remember sleep-deprived me tending to a baby, while trying to manage the many chores that keep a household running--grocery shopping, preparing meals, paying bills, running the vacuum cleaner, etc.  And then going back to work part time -- leaving the house with baby spit-up on my clothes.  And a couple of years later, there was a second daughter -- so, all of the above, with a toddler to wrangle. My daughters' dad was a hands-on parent, so I certainly didn't do all of this alone.  And, still, it was hard.  

Wonderful, joyous, and hard.

But, now, I get to experience the first year all over again with my granddaughters.  And I get to pay attention in a way I wasn't able to the first time around.  Yes, I remember how excited I was when my daughters first engaged with the world around them; when they first rolled over, then sat up, and crawled; when they first walked and talked. But, I was also trying to attend to in all those other things I listed above. 

When I am with my granddaughters, I am simply present.  I am not trying to make a meal or pay bills. I can give these babies my full attention.  I am really noticing each new milestone.  And I don't think I'm alone in this experience.  Friends have told me they feel like they are also noticing more than they did the first time around, that they are enjoying having the time to savor the unfolding of these new beings. 

And here's another thing.  I am way more confident than I was with my first-born.  Certainly, my second daughter got the benefit of my experience with her sister, and this is even more true with my granddaughters.  If a granddaughter cries, and then keeps crying after I have tended to her needs, I don't assume I am doing something wrong; I just figure she needs to be held until her little nervous system calms down.  If one twin cries while I am tending to the other, I know that she will be okay until I get to her. 

There are downsides, of course.  I do get tired.  Sometimes, I get very tired.  I don't have the energy I had when my girls were babies, and lifting an 18-pound, eight-month-old is very hard on my back. The good news is I get to go home and rest, while the parents carry on, bleary-eyed. 

All-in-all, this grand-parenting is a very good gig.