I have four young grandchildren. One of them loves books about Disney princesses. When I read these books to her, I always balk at the final line - They lived happily ever after. I usually change it slightly to read, They were very happy.
Does anyone live happily ever after?
When my husband died, a friend sent me an email, in which he said, among other things, "If I could write as you do, I would write about all the 'happy ever after' stuff that was put in our minds as we grew up and how now we are seeing how badly we were misled . . ."
And, so, as it appears my friend will not take on the topic, I sit down to write this post.
Here's the thing. I'm delighted to play along with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Children should have their fantasies. I love to read happy stories to the kids--thus, my they-were-very-happy compromise. They don't need to know about the hard stuff before they learn to read. But, I don't think that happily ever after is a thing, and this myth caused a lot of us to grow up with unrealistic expectations. We were taught to believe in un-ending and uninterrupted happiness.
As I see it, what we get instead are happy middles.
Here's my thinking. Relationships begin and, after some period of time, they end, either because the people involved part ways or because one of them dies. In between, if we are lucky, there is happiness.
Our lives are filled with happy middles - I think about raising my children. They were born, and there was a long stretch while their father and I raised them, and then they grew up and away. It was a happy middle. Same with places we live. We move in, and eventually we move out, enjoying the middle period that is our life in each home. And so it goes with each chapter of our lives. We are fully in the chapter, and then it is behind us.
I don't mean for this to be depressing. It doesn't have to be. What if we grew up understanding that there is no avoiding change? What if, as is taught in Buddhism, we understood that impermanence is an integral part of life, that clinging to what is or was leads only to suffering?
I'm not suggesting this is easy. I hate that my husband died. I will never "get over" losing him. I miss the little girls my daughters once were. I miss people who are no longer in my life. But I am doing my best to look back with pleasure on past happy middles and to make the most of what I am in the middle of now -- days with grandchildren and other family, days with friends, decent health, a warm and comfortable house, and much more.
Of course, even happy middles have their rough patches, and some middles are not happy at all. When life is at its most difficult we can take comfort in the fact that unhappy middles also end.
So, let's try to pay attention to our happy middles while we are living them. And when someone we know is enduring an unhappy middle, let's be there for them.
Can we do this?
I would like to think so.
